Top 16 Surprises on the Rolling Stones Tour:

16. Keith's face now on National Register of Historic Places.

15. Unable to escape the ravages of time, Mick's formerly full and pouty lips now hanging to his knees.

14. Reduced box office take due to frequent use of AARP discount cards.

13. Hell's Angels hired to circulate crowd and "entice" people to switch from AT&T to Sprint.

12. Old smell: booze with a hint of pot. New smell: Polygrip with a hint of Ben Gay.

11. Slightly senile musicians toss in an occasional Beatles song.

10. Tour bus drives at 25 miles an hour with left blinker constantly flashing.

9. There's a distinct resemblance between Keith and that "Weekend at Bernie's" guy.

8. "Unplugged" section of concert consists of band members in rocking chairs reminiscing about the good old days.

7. Microphone stands now double as i.v. holders.

6. During show opener "Start Me Up", Mick fires up Keith's pacemaker.

5. Famous "enlarged lips" logo replaced by "enlarged prostate" logo.

4. Those drops of perspiration on Keith's brow? Embalming fluid.

3. New song: "You Can't Always Eat What You Want"

2. On monster video screen, Mick plays "connect the dots" with the needle marks on Keith's arms.

AND THE #1 SURPRISE ON THE ROLLING STONES TOUR...

Lump in back of Mick's pants noticeably larger than lump in front of Mick's pants.

Source: Mongo