Rules of the Road

The following is a summary of a typical day out on the road, what to bring and what NOT to bring, as well as any other wanky tips we could come up with.

We hope this helps answer your questions and gives everyone a better idea of exactly what to expect on the road this summer.

Part I - A DAY IN THE LIFE

The bus rolls up to the venue sometime in the early morning. You may still be awake from the night before which would elevate you to instant legend status amongst your peers. Breakfast is available at 7:00 and generally is served until 10:00am, crew call is usually at 8:00am. Your crew call does not mean "have breakfast and then get started"... if you want to sit down to breakfast, find a roadcase in the middle of the stage and sit there. If your call and breakfast are at the same time, get someone to cover for you or come up with a good excuse like "I was having a scrotalectomy". Alternatively, skip catering and do some bad crank under the stage left PA wing (near monitor world).

Doors open at 3:00 PM on a typical day. Performances alternate between the various stages until curfew, which is generally 11:00pm, sometimes 10:00pm, sometimes 10:30pm occasionally 12:00am but usually some other time. The show is then torn down (gear packed into trucks, offices closed, sometimes referred to as load-out, (how the show gets to the next town)) and the work day finishes between midnight and 1:30 am, depending on your underwear. You'll have the chance to shower at the end of the day, towels are provided by the venue. We often have long drives overnight, so it is important that you shower to rid yourself of the horrid stench that will emanate from your sweat soaked body. Please also be advised that shaving of armpits is obligatory this year.

*This is a tentative schedule only. Changes in time zones, curfews, etc, can change the schedule dramatically. Please check with everyone in the production office everyday.

Part II - BUS ETIQUETTE

Berths - this is where you will fart. The berth is about the size of a twin bed, is partitioned off by an electric adjustable curtain, has a light switch for reading and is provided with a comforter, pillows, sheets and a monitor for watching spank movies when you think everyone else is asleep. You will find that there are new uses for your sock while engaging in such activities. This bus is your home, Please CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR GUESTS AND THE STRIPPERS. This is very important as there are twice as many people as there should be riding on the bus, and you always leave all your crap lying in the wrong places. It's important to respect the space and privacy of your fellow passengers and only go through their things while they are not on the bus.

Each touring member is permitted 2 BAGS, one med sized bag to be stored in the bay and one smaller bag (large enough for 2 to 3 days worth of drugs) to be stored in the hall of the bus. The smaller bag should be about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, but not a full sized suitcase. If your title has two or more names in it (ie. Stage Manager, Production Manager or Moving Light Technician) you may bring many more bags on the bus and leave them on couches or in other people's bunks. You will be given your own key to the bus, it (and the pod bay doors Hal) must remain locked at ALL times. It is no different than locking the front door to your house, you just put the key in the little slotted hole and twist until you encounter the most resistance, then pull or push depending on your direction. Unlike school busses, the tour bus's doors mostly open out. Please protect the antics of others by checking and double checking that doors are locked.

There is a small "galley" in the front section of the of the bus, with a refrigerator, microwave, coffee maker and ice bin but no bottle opener. The tour stocks your bus regularly and provides lots to drink and snack on, most of which ends up in the trash the next morning. If you have any special dietary concerns, you will be largely ignored and eventually starve or go back to being a meatasaurus. If you want special treats you are welcome to stock up on your own so that some anonymous party can enjoy them before you remembered you put them in the fridge.

There is one bathroom on the bus, which provides a sink, toilet, mirror (very similar to a piece of glass that reflects your image). The receptacle can be used for urination ONLY and only in a standing position. Please be aware of braking while on the floor trying to wipe up your overshoot and then being perplexed while trying to decide whether to pitch the paper in the trash or down the bowl. There is no system in the toilet for removal of solid waste so be sure and notify the driver if someone craps in the trash. Soap will be provided for the sink that has no water in the faucet.

Part III - WHAT TO PACK

Everyone should pack enough clothes to last a minimum of seven and a maximum of ten days. If you buy something new or are given Ásome swag, be sure to leave something behind to make up for your imbalance, there will be receptacles supplied in Production for this purpose. Remember: (1) someone else will be doing your laundry, so stains will be revealed but (2) you have to take as much room in the bay as possible.

UNDERWEAR, SOCKS, SHORTS, T-SHIRTS, JEANS, SWEATSHIRTS, BATHING SUIT, RAIN GEAR, CHAIN-MAIL DIVING SUIT: All the essentials. Be sure to bring enough underwear to keep gig butt to a minimum (see other tips)

HATS/SUNGLASSES: highly recommended, please protect yourself in the sun.

BACKPACK: something to get in the way on the bus.

SHOES: 2 pair (we recommend sequined stilettos to wear in the shower - keeps your skin further from the moldy tilework and previous patron's pubic hair. Sandals are OK for an air-conditioned, carpeted office setting, if you're village, stage crew, sound or lighting you'll need to work a few more years in stinky work shoes or boots before you can wear sandals)

PRESCRIPTIONS (VERY IMPORTANT): be absolutely certain to bring all medications you may need, enough for the whole tour! Most strong drugs are banned by the FDA in the United States (except for male impotency medications) so stock up in Canada when you can. Also, be sure to list any medical conditions you may have on your crew hire form (ie. diabetes, scurvy, crabs, etc) so we can make fun of you and tell everybody about your affliction. This is mandatory for each touring member.

TOILETRIES: The usual - Shampoo, conditioner, mousse, tongue scraper, nose hair trimmer, boil lancer, gig-butt cream (we like Lotrimin),

Condoms - you never know when you are going to give someone a good rodgering with the tackle. You won't remember the sunscreen until after the first sunstroke by which time you will recognize the really efficacious members of your crew by their lack of lobster red faces.

PASSPORT: You must have your passport with you (be sure to try and get one two days before you cross for some real frustration if you haven't already): you will need it when entering and exiting Canada and Texas. If asked at the border the purpose of your trip reply "Promotional use only" in order to make up for the lack of a legitimate work permit in your passport.

Be sure and keep quiet about your prior felonies until the bus gets impounded - this will avert attention from the merchandising truck. Also, make sure you leave a photocopy of your passport with someone who is reachable while out on the road this summer so the Government Office can laugh at you when you present it after loss or theft.

OPTIONAL: Alarm Clock, PJ's, Pillow or Blankie, porno, techno, earplugs, Personal Towel, dog.

Part IV - OTHER TIPS AND IMPORTANT INFORMATION

BE SURE TO DRINK PLENTY OF WATER EVERYDAY!!!! It is very easy to become dehydrated after drinking all night and besides, the tour director has shares in the water supply company.

You will have access to a laundry service in almost every market, you just want to be sure to have something clean to wear while you're having your clothes washed or you will be working until 4pm in the nude. Lilith will cover the cost for you to do 2 loads of laundry per week, but no dry cleaning or alterations please. Just bring your laundry bag to the office just after the runner takes everyone else's and we will have a whole different set back to you by the end of the day. The tour pays for a wash and fold service, if you need laundry more than twice a week you have an obvious problem with personal hygiene or you did not bring at least 7 days worth of clothes like we told you earlier. Please take care when trying to smuggle bunk puppets into your laundry bag, don't wait until the driver is changing the sheets and finds it under your mattress. (There may be the odd day where it is too difficult or the runner is too lazy to get laundry done. Don't wait until you're down to your last pair of underwear, give yourself a day of leeway in case you're mugged and they take your clothes.

Every touring staff member will be given a laminate which can be redeemed for cash outside the venue each night. You can laminate the cassette cover at Kinko's as a decent alternative if you misplace it or give it away to someone you are trying to impress. Just remember to punch a hole in it with a hole-punch for your lanyard. This will also be your access to the catering area. Catering will provide you with a free meal for which you should be as ungrateful and critical as possible. If you have special dietary requirements, you may winge even more. The catering schedule is usually as follows: breakfast from 7am to just before you wake up, lunch from when you are unloading the truck until you are up in the truss and dinner from when you have to get all those other bands on until just before you finish.

If you have any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to walk into the production office and stand there not knowing when to speak until someone looks at you while on the phone. If you experience a spacey look, that is just because we are listening to someone else make a stupid request over the radio earpiece and can't do two things at once like we thought. We want to make our summer as enjoyable as possible so if you can get a blank taxi receipt each journey we would greatly appreciate it..... welcome to Lilith Fair.

Source: Mongo