Actual instructions given by professional conductors
to orchestra members during rehearsal

"Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato."

"Pianissimo doesn't mean 'Drop the fuck out.'"

"Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion."

"Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way."

"It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does."

"You know, there's a fine line between artistry and shit. Not that what you're doing is shit, but it's close to it."

"Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do."

"Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear.'"

"Play short especially if you don't know where you are."

"That was a drive-by viola solo."

"Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up."

"There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch some."

"Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing? Well, sorry, there's no time for existential questions right now."

"The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26."

"You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I."

"Play as if you were musicians."

Source: Circulated by email, 2005