ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY DICTIONARY for the Music Biz
   
24\7:    The time signature of the national anthem of India.
AGENT:    A character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.
ARRANGER:    A guy who writes to support a drinking habit.
BALLET:    An art form for people with eating disorders.
BANDSTAND:    The area farthest away from an electrical outlet.
BIG BAND:    Nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.
BROADWAY PIT JOB:    A prison sentence disguised as a gig.
CABARET:    A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.
CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME:    God's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.
CATERER:    A man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.
CHANTEUSE:    A singer with an accent and no time.
CLASSICAL COMPOSER:    A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.
CLUBDATER:    God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.
CLUB DATE LEADER:    Someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.
CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST:    A guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.
CONTRACTOR:    A man whose funeral nobody goes to.
CRUISE SHIP WORK:    A gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.
DJ:    The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah.
D-MINOR:    A rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer (Yiddish music).
DOUBLE BASS:    The instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.
DOWNBEAT:    The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.
ELECTRIC PIANO:    The instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.
HOTEL PIANIST:    A guy who looks good in a tux.
JAZZ:    The only true American art form beloved by Europeans.
JAZZ FESTIVAL:    An event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.
LYRIC:    That part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.
MELLOPHONE:    An instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.
METRONOME:    The archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.
MOVIE COMPOSER:    Someone who can write like anyone except himself.
NEW AGE:    A musical substitute for Valium.
NEW YEAR'S EVE:    The night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.
ORCHESTRATOR:    The musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it.
PERCUSSIONIST:    A drummer who can't swing.
PERFECT PITCH:    The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.
PIANIST:    An archaic term for a keyboard player.
PRODIGY:    A kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.
RAGA:    The official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.
RARE VIOLIN:    A Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.
SIDEMAN:    The appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.
STAFF MUSICIAN:    Harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.
STEADY ENGAGEMENT:    Look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word "obsolete."
UNION REP:    A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.
VERSE:    The part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.
VIOLA D' AMORE:    A baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.
WURLITZER:    The Ford Pinto of pianos.
YANNI:    A man blessed with great hair for music.
     
  Courtesy of Hal Blaine