Things you'll never hear on a musician's tour bus:

The leader nailed every tempo perfectly again tonight!

Wow! Everybody played perfectly in tune all night long, again!

Boy, it sure is fun playing all those old Glenn Miller arrangements!

Gee, I wish Buddy were here!

Man, I wish we could get the guitar player to turn up a bit louder.

Why are all guitar players such good sight readers?

Hey, who cleaned up in here, this bus smells like a spring breeze.

I sure hope we reach the next town in time for Mass.

Gee what a great career! Sure glad I didn't become a dermatologist like I'd planned!

I can't wait to get to my private hotel room so I can have eight hours' uninterrupted sleep, a swim in the pool and a couple of margaritas with my complimentary steak dinner before the gig!

Yeah, I got into music mainly because of the job security, the benefits and the opportunities for advancement... and these great bus trips, of course!

We close Sacramento Saturday and open Sioux Falls Monday - Sunday's sure gonna be fun!

Hey guys, let's do 99 bottles of beer just one more time, ok?

So, are you more heavily invested in balanced or growth funds?

Shouldn't we go back for the drummer?

Oh no you don't! It's my turn to clean the bathroom.

Checkmate!

Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals.

So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.

Hey, who farted?

No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.

Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!!

Why is there porno in the VCR?

Can you believe all the money we're getting?

Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!

No Thanks, I don't want another beer.

Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.

Nice to be back in this cozy bus again, hangin' with my pals.

Sources: Pat Longo, Dave Burnette (tour bus driver, Nashville)